Bottom 10: A Lost Weekend in Florida

Inspirational Thought of the Week:

«Honestly, when we lose, I don’t even take a shower until early in the morning. I’ll just be mad. I just brush my teeth. Like I don’t deserve soap.»
— Syracuse head coach Fran Brown

Here in the Bottom 10 headquarters behind the «sorry, not sorry» bouquet sent to the officiating office by Utah athletic director Mark Harlan, «sorry, not sorry,» we know all too well the sting of losing football games. We see it every week in every game we watch.

Yeah, yeah, we know what you’re thinking. «Come on you chump, someone loses every game anyone watches.» That’s true. At least it is now. We’re also old enough to remember when games ended in a tie. This was much worse.

But here in the Bottom 10 cinematic universe, the losses are worse because that’s all you experience. You’d think we’d get used to it, numb to the pain, like when you keep nibbling on that same spot on your tongue until it just goes numb. But instead, it’s like Bruce Banner explained that the Hulk is: «See, I don’t get armor. I’m exposed. Like nerves. It’s a nightmare.»

However, as we learned in «Age of Ultron,» even after one of his worst losses, Bruce Banner still takes a shower. So Coach Brown, take it from us, in a world where every team has way more losses than Syracuse…dude, wash up. seriously We can smell you from here. And we’re in Kent, Ohio.

With apologies to Mr. Clean, former Miami (Ohio) quarterback Mike Bath, former Southern Illinois running back Wash Henry and Steve Harvey, here are the final 10 after Week 11.

The Golden(plated) Flashes are still the last winless American FBS team, losing their 18th straight game when Ohio beat them 41-0. Now they travel to My Hammy from Ohio, where they have a 2.8% chance to win on the ESPN Analytics Ouija board, I mean Matchup Predictor. But honestly, this game will just be an appetizer before, yes, the main course of Week 13, which is Wagon Wheel’s clash with Akronmonious. By appetizer, we mean mini pizza buns that have expired.

The New Owls not only used their claws to pry a loss from the jaws of a win at UTEP, losing in double overtime, but they earned bottom 10 bonus points for firing their head coach — and in their first year as an FBS team, no less . Although the AD issued a statement that Brian Bohannon had «resigned,» Bohannon himself responded on social media: «Contrary to what has been reported, I want to be clear that I have not resigned.» But there is no confusion as to whether the Owls have stepped up or down in these rankings, where every move up is also a move down.

Brett Favre Funding U. lost to We Are Marshall 37-3, making all eight of their losses this season by double digits. In related news, I also received two-digit political texts on Election Day — and one of those was from Favre. No, really. I wonder if he paid for the data transfer himself or if he stole change from the donation bin at his shop’s till?

Sometimes in this life we ​​are asked to do things that go against the battle of our being. It’s like taking your daughter to a concert by an artist you’ve never heard of. Or I have to use the most annoying instrument on Earth, the leaf blower. This weekend, this Minutemen team will be asked to try and beat the Liberty.

5. Sunshine country

The coveted fifth spot has never been so full. Florida’s FBS, FCS and NFL teams went 1-11 over the weekend, salvaged only by the Miami Dolphins’ win over the Los Angeles Rams on «Monday Night Football.» UC(not S)F, US(not C)F, FA(not I)U, Stetson, Florida A&M and Bethune-Cookman all lost, led by the Wildcats’ five-overtime misery against Southern. The Flori-duh Gate Doors celebrated the announced retention of coach Billy Napier with a 49-17 loss to Texas. And Florida’s My Hammy finally saw an opponent too big for running back Cam Ward and suffered his first loss of the season, falling to unranked Georgia Tech. If only someone else in the country could deal with this…

The Semi-No’s continue to claw their way around the coveted fifth spot by earning their bottom 10 the old fashioned way, not only did they lose to half/sort/sort of ACC member Notre Dame by a paltry 52-3, but they also earned a bunch of their last 10 bonus points, not by firing head coach Mike Norvell, but because Norvell fired his offensive and defensive coordinators and wide receivers coach. In related news, a friend of mine ran his bass boat into a huge pile of sharp rocks over the weekend and responded by throwing his shirt and hat overboard.

Three weekends ago, the Buttermakers lost to then-second-ranked Oregon 35-0. They lost to then-second-ranked Ohio State 45-0 on Saturday. They now play sixth-ranked Penn State, and in two weeks they will finish the season against currently eighth-ranked Indiana. We have to assume that a group of professors from Purdue’s legendary mechanical engineering department are studying this experience to gauge the stress of a school bus trying to drive across a mine-covered lava field.

The Minors have the weekend off to keep the party going after the Kennesaw win. And what’s the best way to get rid of a two-week hangover? Dog hair? A cold bucket of water over your head? How about a coontick hound’s hair and a bucket of water from the river during a Week 13 trip to Neyland Stadium for a game against Tennessee?

Whatever is left of UTEP after Knoxville will then play whatever is left of the Other Aggies after their Week 12 road trip to face the OG Aggies from Texas A&M. If there is any justice in this world, then the loser and/or winner of this Aggie Bowl would continue to play…

The Other Other Aggies lost to a one-loss team the country forgot about, Warshington State. But if you consider the week before that, we find the puzzle of the Bottom 10. Utah State beat WhyOMGing? but lost to Whew Mexico by five points the week before. Meanwhile, Wyoming, coming off a loss to Utah State two weeks ago, beat New Mexico by five points this past weekend. We may get some clarity when Wyoming finishes the year at Washington State. But maybe we’ll give up already. As many here in the bottom 10 seem to.

Waiting list: Miss Sus Hippie State, Georgia State Not Southern, FA(not I)U, Akronmonious, Meh-dle Tennessee, WhyOMGing?, Temple of Doom, Living on Tulsa Time, You A Bee?, Standfird, the people who put up all those polls but now it won’t remove the characters.